Prometheus 6

Overindulging our kids, ourselves
By Richard Bromfield
March 1, 2008

It had to happen, didn't it? All those whiny, demanding, entitled children finally whined and demanded loud enough to catch everyone's attention.

Overindulged and overprotected kids are going to be the next psychiatric vogue. Kind of ironic given that we, mental health professionals, were the ones who got it going in the first place.

Feed their esteem was our advice. Reward their every step forward, or even backward. It wasn't enough that we joyously answered their 17th question on why the sky is blue. We needed to also reward and celebrate their curiosity.

We told parents to make their children feel good about themselves. They did just as we instructed.

"What a great job you did getting dressed."

"What a great job you did getting ready for school."

"What a great job you did chewing and swallowing your three candy bars!"

The only problem is that our advice did not make children feel better about themselves. If anything, we robbed our children of some of the opportunities to grow that we had as kids.

How did we learn to wait? We learned patience because our parents kept us waiting.

How did we learn to appreciate what we got? We learned to have thanks because we didn't get so much.

We learned to handle life and its certain challenges and hardship by just that, by having to handle life and the consequences of our actions.

Just because I am a psychologist doesn't mean that I did it any better. As my neighbor said to me the other night after seeing my dog refuse to walk down a dark street: "You're a psychologist. Can't you help him?"

"I help other people's dogs," I replied.

My neighbor laughed, but I wasn't kidding. We all love our kids, and we all try our best. But it's hard for most of us.

I worry even more about this current generation of parents. Consider what they and their children are up against: the relentless assault of corporate advertising; keeping up with a Jones family that keeps going further and higher; a society that, like technology, fast-forwards at an ever accelerating speed.

Sure, we all know this stuff is to be resisted, but that's easier said than done.

And this current generation of parents is showing a new wrinkle. Not only are they sorely tempted to overindulge their children. They are equally tempted to overindulge themselves.

Even as young mothers and fathers lament their children's entitled attitudes, wondering perhaps where it comes from, they wait in lines for exotic coffees to be steamed with 1.4 percent milk and 11/2 teaspoons of natural brown sugar served in double cups. They buy cars as equipped and luxurious as their homes, whatever the gas mileage and cost.

Instant gratification is the mantra—whether browsing, downloading or cell phoning. Computers cannot go fast enough. Overnight delivery cannot get here soon enough.

But lest I sound critical, I know this is hardly parents' fault. I also know just how I like my coffee and my music.

Understandably, parents have fallen victim to a world that is just too seductive, too full of choice, too abundant. That, if anything, should remind and caution us as to what our children are up against.

Grandparents who think that today's parents have it made are wrong. All of my personal and clinical experience tells me that parenting a child has never been more difficult. Our own parents, I am certain, would have fared no better than we have.

What can parents do? Moving to an island or setting their time machines back would be the first choice. Most of us, however, cannot do either. Instead, we're left to plod along as best we can.

We'll look in the parenting mirror and reassess our home life. It is never too late to grow less indulgent. If we are motivated, we'll give our children fewer things, expect more of them and maybe even take back our rightful authority in the house.

We'll take care not to overprotect them from life's inevitable frustrations and limitations. After all, only by facing and mastering such experience do children grow confident and resilient. And, of course, we'll watch the examples that we set.

Maybe we'll watch a little "Animal Planet" too. It's easy to forget that we are animals whose supreme mission is to raise offspring who have the skills and resources to survive apart from and without us. Don't we owe our own human children at least as much?